In a local match, the umpire was being jeered and heckled unmercifully from the crowd. At length he walked over to the boundary and sat down next to his chief critic. "What are you doing?" asked the spectator. "Well," said the umpire, "it seems you get the best view from here." During the match, the fieldsman positioned just behind the umpire kept trying to distract the batsman as the ball was bowled to him. Several appeals for lbw were turned down, and finally the umpire turned to the fieldsman and said sternly: "I've been watching you for the last 20 minutes." "I thought so," came the reply, "I could tell you weren't watching the game!" In a tense game, a batsman was given run out, a decision with which he obviously disagreed. He paced up and down outside the pavilion until the umpires came in. "I wasn't out, you know," he said to the umpire. "Look in tomorrow's paper." "No, you look in the paper," the other replied. "I'm the editor. The village teams were ready to begin their match but discovered that they were without an umpire. They decided that they would use a member of the crowd even though he knew nothing of the rules. When he was dressed in his white coat and hat, he went up to the captain of the home side. "What do I do?" he asked. "It's very simple," said the home captain. "When I shout "OWZAT!" you simply put up your finger and say "OUT". When it's our turn to bat, I'll tell thee a little bit more!" A friend of mine is a retired cricket umpire. He doesn’t lift a finger now. The fast bowler tore up to the wicket and hurled a ball which caught the batsman plumb lbw. "Owzat!" he bellowed. "Not out,"' said the umpire. The bowler was speechless with rage, but turned around and bowled the next ball. This one snicked the bat high up and was caught by second slip. Everyone threw their arms up, but the umpire said "Not out." His team-mates held him back forcibly and he contained himself enough to hurl down the third ball. The batsman missed completely and all three stumps were uprooted. The bowler turned, shaking his head. As he passed the umpire, he muttered, "Nearly 'ad him that time." In a club match a fast bowler was terrorising a visiting side. As the new batsman slowly reached the middle, he was asked by the umpire if he wanted the sightscreen moved. He thought and said he would. "To the left or right?" asked the umpire. "Neither," the frightened batsman replied. "Couldn't I have between him and me?" A keen bowler was well into his run up when a funeral procession passed the ground. He stopped in his tracks, took off his cap, held it over his heart, and bowed his head. The umpire was impressed. "You're a man who shows real respect for the deceased," he said. "It's the least I could do," said the bowler. "After all, I was married to her for 30 years." "I've never umpired a cricket match before. Do I have to run after the ball?" "No, after the match."